poem book 3
(long poem version)

1
Im trapped in this cage
This invisible cage
in this cage of me and my thoughts
And I thought they’d help me break free
But they didn’t and they stand outside the cage
And they talk to me
So sometimes I feel okay
So sometimes the gate opens and I walk outside
And I feel amazing because im free
But then they walk away
And im back in the cage like nothing happened
and I think they’re going to come back
And they might but I know that one person didn’t
And another didn’t
And now they're leaving?
So what if they never come back?
What if im trapped alone again?
And the clouds in the cage get darker and it starts to rain
but the cage is fine
Im used to the cage
it suffocates me so much i learned how to breathe
I learned to play in the deafening rain
And sometimes people visit
Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s great
Sometimes I love the cage
but I just wish the cage was gone
because even though the bars of this cage can look like gold
they are laced with poison2
The untold lies in a perfect truth,
The words I’ll never say to you.
The harsh mistakes of an innocent past,
All hidden behind a mask.
everyone here hides behind one,
I do, you do, everyone does.
There’s things that others will never know,
That’s just the way things go.
We’re all in a masquerade ball,
Just dancing until we fall.
No one is really themselves,
They’d rather be everyone else.3
You entrapped me in this web
With your sparkling eyes
And your cute laugh
You told me stories
And held my hand
You cuddled with me
And helped me when i was anxious
But that was all to get what you wanted
Now that im stuck here
You can do anything you want to
Because like i told you
Im already yours4
It’s strange realizing
That everyone around you has cried
That everyone around you has made a mistake
That everyone around you have questioned their worth
When you look at them
You not only see who they are now
But you see who they were
All their past emotions
All their regret
All their sadness
All their tears
All their happiness
All their love
Has shaped them into who they are
You have been shaped as well
You have gone through
Regret
Sadness
Happiness
Love
And it’s strange
When you realize
That you are not alone
You are not the only one hurting
You are not the only one who has been hurt
Everyone you see around you is a 3d character in your 2d world
It’s strange
Isn’t it5
Whenever I was with him
I was taken away
From all the anxiety
From all the confusion
From all the dark thoughts
He gave me a kind of love that I never thought I deserved
But these days im not with him
And im back in that place
Filled with anxiety
Filled with confusion
Filled with dark thoughts
And I wonder if the love he gave me was really deserved

6
I wish
To meet you in a beautiful landscape
With trees that remind me of you
And flowers that remind you of me
I wish
That we could walk close to each other
With hands intertwining, soft and warm
A sigh of happiness and relief echos the air
I wish
To see your eyes look into mine
A mix of beauty and sparkles
Holding the very essence of your light
I wish
That you would meet me in a beautiful landscape
With trees that remind you of me
And flowers that remind me of you7
as im used to the cold surroundings
you come in with warmth
a hand to offer
sweet words that glow
a million reasons exist for you to leave
and i could recall them all
continuous annoyance
stupid emotions
but despite all of it i watch you stay
with little signs of happiness
promises of trust
proof of love
though i still believe i don’t deserve to know you
or to speak to you
i’ve made mistakes
that i will keep making
and i wonder when you will finally understand
all my flaws that exist
shining in light
and making light dim
and i question if you will regret knowing me
looking back with gladness im gone
or disappointed you’re stuck
with someone like me
but i frustratingly cannot pull myself away
from someone i truly adore
someone that is so beautiful
the flowers grow in jealously
so i stay in your presence against my thoughts
and i make sure to bring you joy
even if i fail
even if i don’t deserve it
i know my point of view is horrendously altered
but i can’t erase the way i was raised
i leave apologies for that
i try to get better
as you speak i try to understand your kindness
and i fight what i know
embrace the truth
i embrace you
and one day i will believe your sweet words
and i’ll take your hand
i step out of the cold
my surroundings become warm8
i just wanted to apologize
for the selfish way in which i act
the worthless stories
and inefficient conversations
i just wanted to apologize
for the anxiety that swallows me whole
the doubts that course through me
and the trust i always lose
i just wanted to apologize
for the inability to make you smile
the stupid compliments
and misunderstandings
i cant see myself staying with you forever
i live knowing i don’t have time left
i can’t see myself staying with you forever
i wish i could be better while im still here
i cant see myself staying with you forever
i cant do that to you
i cant burden you
i can’t trouble you
i cant
i cant
i just wanted to apologize9
i could stay silent with my words for you
yet the words write themself
every sweet thought can’t undo
you simply are like no one else
never in my life have i,
met someone with such beauty
judged upon your careful eye
the truth is not what you see
every word and smile you gift
my heart sings butterflies near
i truly only have one wish
for you to see your starlight near10
i wish for you on flowers
i wish for you on crystals
i wish for you on rocks
i wish for you to smile
because when i wish on flowers
when i wish on crystals
when i wish on rocks
my smile fades
i tried time after time
i wish for more
and more
and more
finally
i look at you
and wish for something
worth wishing for

11
pure silence
with a dim spotlight
so many questions
that were never spoken
loud songs
with a glimmer and shine
so many words
that were repeated
drawn to the silence
or drawn to the loud?
drawn to the dark
or drawn to the light?
the room is warm
the spot is cold
they flock to warmth
i lay alone12
i walk alone
my heart is weak
my eyes look down
my lips are cold
i sipped at the love
the heart fluttering taste
my eyes turned to shine
my lips turned to smile
i took the flavor in
as my heart jumped in size
my eyes formed tears of joy
and my lips moved to speak
the supply dried up
my heart went slow
and my eyes start to fall
my lips start to shake
i lay alone now
my heart is withering
my eyes are closed
my lips are frozen13
it’s a pretty locket, silver and laced with color
a carefully cut picture of you lays in
i make sure your beauty stays framed
i open the locket to give you a wish
i hope all my hopes will give you smiles
and all my smiles will give you hope
yet you don’t have a locket of me
though you claim you do and claim you will
i don’t mind the absence
i just wish you loved me like i love you

14
i wonder if my hands fit perfectly in yours
i wonder if they’re cold, to which i would try to warm
i wonder if your grasp would be a gentle touch or a comforting squeeze
i wonder how my hair would feel being played with those hands
i wonder how soft the sigh that escapes my lips would be
i wonder how calming the touches would make me feel
i wonder, i wonder if being wrapped in your arms would wrap me in safety
i wonder if you’d notice how your voice makes my cheeks blush
i really wonder how your smile would make my heart flutter
i wonder how you’d react when your gentle kiss makes me melt
i wonder so much, i wonder so much about you
do you wonder about me?15
how do i start with you?
you, you, you
replaying in my head like a favorite song
your words, your voice, your laugh
wrapping me up in a an endlessly warm hug
your stories, your interests, your opinions
bringing me such joy and adoration
your eyes, your smile, your hands
making me wish i could be next to you
you. you. you.
how do i even explain this to you?16
i’ve come to a realization
that you, yourself, are poetry
the most interesting kind
with unique pieces falling into place
a description of not just a flower
but a whole magnificent garden
written in such a tangled manner
that unfolds into such a wonderful scenery
different words are scattered
in order to paint the beautiful picture
colors upon colors are filled with your sentences
finally unveiling a true masterpiece
you are seen in many different lenses
by many different eyes and minds
but no matter what those eyes see
you are still a true work of art
and i keep your wondrous art
on a pretty shelf in my mind17
i want to kiss you
i want to gently lay my hand on your cheek
and move it to play with your hair
i want to kiss you
i want to look into your shining eyes
and get to admire the color
i want to kiss you
i want to lean in and touch my lips with yours
and get to feel so so so close with you
i want to kiss you
i want to feel what your lips feel like
and taste what your lips taste like
i want to kiss you
i want to be wrapped in your warmth
and feel safe in your aura
i want to kiss you
i want to pull away with a soft sigh
and get to see your wondrous smile
i want to kiss you
i want to kiss you so much
and won’t you want to kiss me too?18
sometimes i wish i was magical
i would bring you instant smiles with every word i sent
and the feeling of love whenever you may need it
i could cast spells to make your heart happy
and to make your mind light up with confidence
but im not magical
so i will try to bring you smiles as i write
and i’ll let my love slip into my words
i’ll send gifts to brighten your heart
and swarms of compliments for your beautiful mind
i try my best to be magical, magical for you

19
please stop lying
please stop faking
please stop hiding
just
please
stop
i know what you think
i know what you feel
i know what you mean
im sorry
i’ll go
im sorry20
i can’t do this anymore
i don’t think i can
i go forward with hope and promises
i sink with the truth
im alone on this path
and everyone leaves my side
i don’t want to drag them down
so i don’t want them to stay
i can’t keep going along
melting into quicksand
trying to reach for help
and choking as i pull myself up21
are you okay with being my forever?
watching me fall from endlessly tall heights
and staying through my shaky mess of tears and lost hope
watching my eyes light up at a pointless observation
and staying through my endless rambles of dumb happiness
am i okay with being your forever?
watching you be dragged down by my presence
and staying to watch you lose interest in all i am
watching your eyes fade at my voice and words
and staying to realize i mean nothing22
meet me in the field
where the flowers grow alone
taller and untouchable
fragile and strong
meet me by the trees
where the sun is hidden
shine peaking through
heat masked by shade
meet me where my love lies
where no one seems to roam
hidden under grass
tangled in dirt23
it was you
my almost
my smile
every night
and every day
it was you
and for you
i would have
cut all my skin
never spoke again
fallen into voids
all for you
but it’s not me
i disappear
and i fade
i turn into dust
in your mind
it’s not me
you’ll never know
my love
my heart
it beat for you
i lived for you
you’ll never know

24
i close my eyes to a scenery
outside with faded grass and a light blue sky
daisies and tulips popping out from the ground
a blurry figure lays next to me
flowers in their hair and eyes of adoration
their love in their heart in this moment is for me
they move their arms around my shape
trail their fingers up and down with slowness and cafe
every centimeter of my skin being protected by their touch
i open my eyes to an empty heart
the hands i feel are just my own
the figure doesn’t exist
the flowers are wilting25
i tried to kill myself last night
not with drugs or weapons
i couldn't move enough to do that
instead i sat in bed alone
and i wrote how i felt
and addressed it to people
to each of my friends
who are much more special than me
but i cried too much
and i couldn't send it
so i tried to text it
but it didn’t make sense
so i wrote poetry
but decided it wasn’t good enough
so i wrote song lyrics
but gave up through the first verse
i almost reached out for help
but i fell asleep instead
when i awoke
i almost felt happy
i saw a sense of light
and then i tried to kill myself tonight